It’s difficult to say when the idea of putting cannon fuse in my beard first hit me.  I know that as a dad you need to show your young children there are things a father can do that they can’t. Seeing the name “Blackbeard the Pirate” in a children’s encyclopedia certainly sealed my fate. In any case,  it seemed like a good idea at the time. Putting cannon fuse in your beard and lighting it is something altogether different.

The “cannon fuse incident” happened when my three oldest children were fairly young-sometime between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Post -Barney the Purple Dinosaur era. Those of you who don’t know what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are all about, need to start watching the History Channel. I grew to hate those turtles. As a rookie ski instructor teaching kids, I had more children walk up and kick me in the shins with their ski boots on while pretending to be a Mutant Ninja Turtle.

So when trying to impress your children with lit cannon fuse in your beard, there are a few rules that you must follow: First, never let your wife stand there with a fire extinguisher pointed at your face.  My wife doesn’t have a lot of experience extinguishing burning beards, so I didn’t even suggest the fire extinguisher idea. Second, don’t do it in the garage. There are lawnmowers, chainsaws, gunpowder, and  more cannon fuse stored there. “Kablooey”  isn’t something you want printed in your obituary. Third, and most important, make sure you say to your children, “Now kids, don’t try this at home!” I don’t know why your are supposed to say it, but it always seems to be the thing to the little ones just before you try a stupid, dangerous stunt. 

When I lit the cannon fuse, the first thought that came to my mind was “Why didn’t I wait until my beard was longer, like maybe down to the floor?” The second thought that went through my mind was, “Wow! Look at the eyes on those children! They must be as big as saucers!” Now I was really getting through to them.  I  scowled, looked mean, raised my hand with a pretend pistol, and let out a few “Aaargh”s and “Aye, maties!” Then I ran for the bathroom.

Once inside the bathroom, with my kids in hot pursuit, I inspected the damage. ” Not too bad,” I thought. Slight singeing, and a nasty smell were all that I got. And my beard was a little bit more black! The kids were either stunned, impressed, or  had to use the toilet badly. I’m not sure to this day which it was.

Fortunately for me I knew two things about cannon fuse which helped in my little experiment: My cannon fuse burns at a rate of one foot per 30 seconds, and it keeps on burning under water.  If Blackbeard had a similar fuse and a battle between boat crews lasted for, oh say, twenty minutes, then I could have needed fuses 40 feet long. My guess is that he wanted it to go out once he started fighting.  And  I’ll bet that after it burned a while he didn’t run to the bathroom to check out how it went. At least not after the first few battles.

So in summary, I’d have to say that you shouldn’t try this at home. That is, until you clean out the garage first. Now men, get out there and clean out the garage.