Finally, one of the greatest mysteries of our time has been solved. That’s right, the mystery of the “Droopy-drawered Jibbers”. You may not know what a Droopy-drawered Jibber is, but you’ve all seen them multiple times. They are those guys who walk around with their pants half way down to their ankles.
The dirty little secret I’ve found out, is that it’s not their fault ! Yup, they can’t help it at all. “How do you know that?” you might be asking right now. Here’s how I found out, recently:
My third son needed a belt. He had lost his, and was playing, working, and walking around holding his pants up by his hand. He sometimes “waddled” to keep his pants up, just like the Droopy-drawered Jibbers that are 15 and 20 years older than him. My son is 5 years old.
We drove the 40 miles to town, and were looking for a belt. First off, no, I’m not going to buy him a belt at Walmart. They fall apart, are made in China, and aren’t even leather. On top of that, Walmart thinks I want my son to wear a belt with skulls on it. Nice social statement. We went to a place that is high class, and carries clothes built to last. A place that Americans can trust and place their money into. A place of refuge from the world of cheap and superficial-JC Penny.
At J.C. Penny, we found out that they don’t carry boys belts. Neither did K Mart. Neither did Radio Shack. It became apparent that society doesn’t want boys to wear belts. It starts when they are 5 years old, and by teenage years, the boys are used to not wearing belts. So they waddle around like ducks with their legs apart, trying desperately to keep their pants above half mast.
Droopy-drawered Jibbers are most commonly seen at ski areas, like Snowmass, where I teach skiing. You will find them mostly in the Terrain Park, the man-made area with 40 ft. jumps, and a huge halfpipe. It’s not unusual to find old couples skiing past one of the big kickers. As a 13 year old boy goes sailing over their heads doing a “roast beef”, you can often hear the husband saying, “Look, Martha! There goes a Droopy-drawered Jibber in his natural habitat!”
It’s no wonder the military isn’t recruiting as many kids. They wouldn’t be able to march. Can you imagine the U.S. Army waddling into a town to secure it? The first thing the locals would do is show them where the public restrooms are in the park.
The direction society is going is a little bit scary . If I take my son to JC Penny and they don’t sell boys underwear, I think we’re all in trouble.
