Western Novelist in the Making

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Writers have to look the part. That’s a problem for me. As a comedy writer, what do I do, dress like Rob Petrie? I can’t do Red Skelton’s hair, or Jack Benny’s horn-rimmed glasses.

When my daughter took me horseback riding at the ranch she worked on, I stopped for this photo op. By the looks of things, I’m on my 18th western novel by now. I think the title is “Shootout at the Starbucks.”

The opening line in the book goes like this:

“Forget about paying for the coffee for the chump behind you. Bart Slackline was here for his morning brew, and all of these coyotes surrounding him just made it that much harder. He was ready to horsewhip the barista when suddenly …”

Maybe westerns are easier to write than comedy, after all.

It’s just that during the photo shoot I  shouldn’t have squatted with my spurs on.

Spanktites

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Matt and I were discussing the new cave tour for next year:

“We will probably put in switches along the way so the tour guide can turn off lights behind the group,” said Matt. “That way the guides can keep the tour moving along,” he beamed.

“I’ve got a better idea,” I replied. “Why don’t we grow some Spanktites in the cave?”

“What are ‘Spanktites?” Matt wanted to know.

“They’re like Stalagmites, and Stalactites, only they grow horizontally,” I answered. “The Spanktites could be spring loaded to swat the lollygaggers in the parotid,” I offered.

Matt wasn’t real sure if we should be artificially growing things in the cave. The spanking part didn’t seem to bother him, though.

I thought it was all better than the “Impale-tites” I was going suggest.

I’ve got a few months to work out the bugs.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a pliers to bend some stalactites.

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