My Sweet New Ride

fast car photo

Here’s a picture of my new car. I love this thing. It goes as fast as I need to go, most of the time. The color is a cool, light color, and I’ve been pretty pleased with the tire performance for the most part.

Did you know that the Dodge Viper goes 0-100 mph in 8.9 seconds? The seats  are really comfortable, and the Koni adjustable shocks deliver an amazingly smooth ride.

Now back to my car. I’m going to maybe work on the rust, and take it to a car carwash sometime in September.

The racket that the muffler makes tells me that the tailpipe is about to fall off.

My car is the one in front. The Toyota Camry with 250,000 miles on it.

Easiest Diet in the World

Overweight people of the world, rejoice. Your dieting has just gotten easier, if not more expensive.

Introducing the “Calorie Offset Diet”. I invented it, however it was inspired by the Carbon Footprint Credit industry.

With the Calorie Offset Diet, you can still eat anything you want as often as you like. You simply buy “Calorie Credits” from my company “All Cal”. We will do the dieting in your place, and you can feel good knowing that real, life-changing dieting is taking place somewhere in the world.

Our prices can’t be beat, especially since we are the only company in the world to offer dieting credits.

The “Basic Calorie Credits Plan” sells for $19.95 per month. For that price, you get 2 Calorie Credits, which requires me to not eat blueberry cheesecake or sushi.

Our “Family Dieting Calorie Credits Plan” costs a bit more. For $1895 per year, my children and I won’t eat Cocoa Crispies, Heathbars, or Wendy’s #3 meals. (My wife never eats that stuff, anyway.)

The “Corporate Calorie Gift Plan” is perfect for your organization. The one time fee of $3.2 million ensures that the entire nation of Ethiopia will be prevented from eating a Thanksgiving Dinner in the Midwest, or attending a Christmas party in Manhattan.

Not since the debut of the  Curly Fry Diet, and Carbon Footprint Snowshoes, has an idea like the Calorie Offset Diet been introduced to the world. So simple. So effective.

I gotta go. The phones are ringing off the hook.

Crabby Old Lady

When I was in Manhattan, I felt like Crocodile Dundee. I was definitely out of my element, but enjoyed the adventure of meeting new people, and slipping into the Met without paying.

There was one instance that stood out as a sour point.

Being a gentleman from the country, I decided to hold the door for an old lady. Isn’t that what my mother taught me to do?

So I’m going out of a building, and voila, an old lady is coming out!

I hold the door still for her and smile. She glares at me and starts beating me over the head with her purse.

Wham! Bam! POW!

I took my lumps, let go of the door, and slunk away. Chivalry is definitely dead.

Maybe next time I won’t try it on a revolving door.

NASA Flubbed

Some people are upset that the landing of the NASA gizmo on Mars didn’t cause much of a buzz. But in all honesty, look what happened…

The Olympics have been the big event for a few thousand years . Then NASA shows up and hires scientists who couldn’t have had worse timing if they’d scheduled the Mars Rover landing during the Super Bowl.

Come on guys. Didn’t you go to college to learn physics, advanced math, spit wad trajectories, and interplanetary social skills? You had the most advanced information in the history of mankind available to plan your space flight, and you messed it up. I bet you scheduled your spur-of-the-moment frat parties better than the Mars Rover landing.

Think of the result:

The Olympics went head to head with pictures of a place that looks like Barstow, California on an average day.

“ We interrupt this age-old athletic event, chronicling human beings competing in gloriously beautiful sporting contests, to bring you a picture of dirt.”

Dirt.

“That’s amazing dirt, Roger”.”

“Yes it is. I can’t tell, but I think it’s red, like Colorado dirt.”

“Oh, look! Is that a wheel in the picture?”

“A wheel on the dirt, I believe!”

“That dirt may have contained life at one time, Roger.”

“Wow,this is a momentous event.”

“I makes me want to cry.”

Dirt. Dirt on a low-resolution photo, with bad lighting. Woo Hoo!

The best thing that came out of that NASA photo shoot was a Photoshopped image of Marvin Martian sticking his head in from the side.

The Mars announcement was a big yawn. At least in Barstow, California, there used to be life on the dirt.

It Came From Mars

The other night, I wandered out onto our south deck only to be confronted by a little creature with bug eyes, and long fuzzy arms. It looked at me and started talking some strange gibberish.

DSCN0547

Something about stars, planets, and Gummi Bears.

I wasn’t sure if I should be afraid of the creature, of if I should ask it into the house to wash its dirty feet. It looked up at me with its coal black eyes and said it wanted to sleep out on the porch.

Then it started doing the “Pee Pee Dance”.

So I picked it up, carried it to the porta potty and sat it down. I hauled it into our house, gave it a toothbrush, and talked with my wife.

We decided to keep the little creature, and it has been a delight to have around ever since; not the least of which was, last night showing up with charcoal all over its face, painted to look like a beard.

Watch out for little aliens showing up at your house. They will suck the heart right out of your chest.