Rubber Chicken Cave Tours

At first, I was nervous. I mean, what exactly do you do with a rubber chicken on a cave tour? Now after dozens of Rubber Chicken Cave Tours at Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park, I wonder how I ever did tours without it.  The Rubber Chicken has become my constant companion, prompting jokes you normally can’t even do as a tour guide.

“Why do you have chicken legs sticking out of your pants?”

“Why do you have chicken legs sticking out of YOUR pants?” I reply. Big laugh.

I’ve had lots of photos of me and the chicken taken, and on occasion, someone (usually an adult) will want to pose with the chicken.

cavetours002The description of Jam Crack, using the Rubber Chicken is unique in the entire cave tour industry. It’s unbelievable.

Then, there’s the Light Saber Rubber Chicken impersonation. Yoda would love it.

Come with me and the chicken, and let’s go have some fun underground.

Parenting Underground

You wouldn’t believe some of the families that go on my cave tours. The children are a wreck. Not only does the child run the family, they also try to run my tour.

Can you imagine a grown man letting a 5 yr. old take command of a 28 person tour? I don’t let  them.

At the beginning of my tours with rambunctious children, I ask the parents to keep the restless ones near the back of the tour. That way, if the child remains fussy, they can leave the tour easily.

But what happens sometimes, is that the mom will hold the crying child right in front of me, between the rest of the tour and myself. She will look at me and listen to my talk while her child wails. She is completely oblivious to the child’s screams, and the looks on the faces of the tour group show complete disgust.

Other tour guides look at me in horror when I say that I’ve kicked people off of my tour. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t talk over the sound of your child. I’ll have to ask you to leave, and maybe we can try this another time.”

One time I did that, and the lady walked about 20 feet away, and stood there with her child screaming. The lady was still trying to listen to my talk. I stopped the tour again and said, “Really, I need you to go.” She slunk away with her still disruptive child.

When I have a kid like that on my tour, and other guides ask, “how was your tour?”, I tell them that I had a “T.W.” along for the ride.

“T.W.” stands for “Tour Wrecker”. When a Tour Wrecker comes along, you don’t get tips at the end of the tour. Even if you booted the little rascal out the door, people are left with a bad taste in their mouth, and aren’t the least bit generous to the guide at the end of the session.

Some guides put up with T.W.s, and just try to get through the 70 minute tour alive. But if the guide really cared about the group, and not just avoiding confrontation, we’d have more parents learning that their family needs to be socially gracious out in public.

There’s one group of people that I’ve never had even the slightest problem with as far as their children are concerned. Their kids stand quietly, listening and looking at the guide, and enjoying the cave. Perhaps the lazy parents should have their children spend some time with these other folks.

Who are these “other folks”? That would be the Amish.

Bad Dream

Why did I choose to wear shorts to work today? Is it because everyone else is wearing shorts at the Adventure Park? Yes.

But my legs are lily white. I will be standing in front of 28 people giving a cave tour, looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Maybe this is just a bad dream with a paycheck…

Ski on July 4th

Yesterday, two of my kids got to do something very few people do in Colorado: Ski on July 4th. We headed out about 4 miles from our house to an undisclosed area on Marble Peak.

The hike up was warm, and the ski down fun, if not challenging. My ski got stuck in a small bush that was sticking out of the snow like a tiny rainbow. I fell, the ski released, and I stopped with my head hanging down into a crevasse with water rushing down below me. Cool .

That was one 4th of July never to forget.

1200 Cavers In One Spot

Picture if you will, a lot of cavers in one tiny, little area. I mean, cavers are used to being in cramped places, so flying coach is no problem, and riding a bus in Nigeria with 180 people and 50 chickens inside is no big deal.

But put them into one of the smallest, coolest, adventure parks (which happens to be located on the top of Iron Mountain) in America, and you are in for a treat.

We hosted the annual NSS (National Speleological Society) convention at  Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park. The park closed down at 5 pm for a private “party”. And what a party it was. I was opening and closing the airlock entry doors to the cave on average of once every 20  seconds for 4  hours straight. Whew!

The cavers were very grateful. The bats were grateful. The rubber chicken was a hit.

And I got to rub elbows (literally) with some of the best cavers in the world…