Tag Archives: cave tour

Weird Magnetic Spot in Colorado

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This past summer I added a freaky item to my cave tours: The Weird Magnetic Spot. Here you see a few guests trying the demonstration.

During my tours I stop in the middle of this circle and say, “The owners of this cave found out that there is an unusual magnetism at this very spot. So they laid out the concrete in this circle pattern with the ‘X’ in the middle, and they showed us tour guides how to demonstrate that fact to our guests.”

Then I take out my wedding ring, and an ordinary rubberband. I stick the rubberband through the ring and slant it upwards. The ring climbs UP the rubberband to my uphill hand.

I tell my group, “I don’t know what makes it work, but you can try it after the tour.”

I found one lady standing in the circle after the tour with her eyes closed. “Yes, I can feel the energy,” she told me. Her friends said that she was the best at that stuff.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I learned the trick in a magic book.

UFOs in the Cave

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If you take  cave tour with me at Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park, you will see these signs in various places. I’m not exactly sure what they mean.

At first I thought they meant “No bloody hands in the cave.”

I realized that the owners wouldn’t put stuff on the tours which would scare kids, so I concluded that the sign meant “Don’t cut your hand on the stalactites.” That almost made sense until I realized that the picture is not of a human hand.

It is obviously the hand of some mutant creature from another planet. It’s unearthly.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that the sign means,”Don’t cut your alien fingers in the cave.”

Ever since then, I’ve been looking for traces of UFOs in the cave.

I’ve noticed the Sharpshooter photographers acting a little odd lately.

The lights are acting weird in Kings Row, and the bat is a little rambunctious lately.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check out those stalactites. I think behind them I see a set of antennas

Spanktites

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Matt and I were discussing the new cave tour for next year:

“We will probably put in switches along the way so the tour guide can turn off lights behind the group,” said Matt. “That way the guides can keep the tour moving along,” he beamed.

“I’ve got a better idea,” I replied. “Why don’t we grow some Spanktites in the cave?”

“What are ‘Spanktites?” Matt wanted to know.

“They’re like Stalagmites, and Stalactites, only they grow horizontally,” I answered. “The Spanktites could be spring loaded to swat the lollygaggers in the parotid,” I offered.

Matt wasn’t real sure if we should be artificially growing things in the cave. The spanking part didn’t seem to bother him, though.

I thought it was all better than the “Impale-tites” I was going suggest.

I’ve got a few months to work out the bugs.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a pliers to bend some stalactites.

`

NASA Saved by Comedy Writer

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The other day I was giving one of my comedy cave tours at Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park. I average one joke every 30 seconds on my tours.

I pointed to a gaggle of stalactites on the ceiling and said, “Take a picture of these, save the photo, and turn it upside down. You will see a city on Mars.”

As I stood back and observed, the “ooohs” and “aaahs” erupted with timed precision.

When they died down, I said, “Now I want you to email your photos to NASA, and have their marketing department overlay them on those boring pictures of Barstow, California they keep sending out.”

Laughter.

Apparently, one little girl did just that.

NASA took the photo and did the overlay.

Then NASA set up a press conference, and announced to the world that they had discovered signs of past life on Mars.

“Speaking on condition of anonymity,” one NASA official said that they even found an empty Starbucks coffee shop in every building.

In a genius publicity move, NASA did what they learned from National Geographic. Remember when National Geographic had a picture of a fossil “lizard-bird” on their front cover a few years ago?

The “lizard-bird” fossil turned out to be a fake from China, and they had a small retraction later on. But by then it was too late. Millions of museums around the world will refer to that photo as a proof of evolutionary transition.

So NASA has proof of past life on Mars even though it was retracted in a small statement on page 7 of the Wakarusa Tribune’s annual “Best of Hog Prices” edition.

Intelligent life in outer space.

NASA is raking in the bucks now that it is piquing the interest of the public. The federal budget for NASA has increased 380% per year, compounded daily, for the next 50 years.

The Space Program can breathe easy and coast for a while.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go screw some loose stalactites back onto the ceiling.

What It Takes to be a Cave Tour Guide

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In case you were wondering, not everybody can be a cave tour guide. It takes a special sort of person, and I’m sort of extra special. Don’t try this at home:

Last week, I showed up for work with no lunch, no lunch money, and no breakfast. Don’t feel sorry for me, though. I have resources, and like the Jews in the wilderness, my manna comes daily. It just looks a little crazier.

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I got to work a half hour early. For breakfast, I had a bag of microwave popcorn, a boatload of baked beans (left over from ‘the big private party at the caverns the night before), and several glasses of free Coca Cola. Now THAT’S a breakfast!

And you wonder why your cave tour guide is smiling when he shows up. He’s just eaten 15 ounces of baked beans, and he’s going to walk through the cave ahead of you.

Yeah, being a cave tour guide is not for wussies.

I just wish this passageway was not so small.