Overweight people of the world, rejoice. Your dieting has just gotten easier, if not more expensive.

Introducing the “Calorie Offset Diet”. I invented it, however it was inspired by the Carbon Footprint Credit industry.

With the Calorie Offset Diet, you can still eat anything you want as often as you like. You simply buy “Calorie Credits” from my company “All Cal”. We will do the dieting in your place, and you can feel good knowing that real, life-changing dieting is taking place somewhere in the world.

Our prices can’t be beat, especially since we are the only company in the world to offer dieting credits.

The “Basic Calorie Credits Plan” sells for $19.95 per month. For that price, you get 2 Calorie Credits, which requires me to not eat blueberry cheesecake or sushi.

Our “Family Dieting Calorie Credits Plan” costs a bit more. For $1895 per year, my children and I won’t eat Cocoa Crispies, Heathbars, or Wendy’s #3 meals. (My wife never eats that stuff, anyway.)

The “Corporate Calorie Gift Plan” is perfect for your organization. The one time fee of $3.2 million ensures that the entire nation of Ethiopia will be prevented from eating a Thanksgiving Dinner in the Midwest, or attending a Christmas party in Manhattan.

Not since the debut of the  Curly Fry Diet, and Carbon Footprint Snowshoes, has an idea like the Calorie Offset Diet been introduced to the world. So simple. So effective.

I gotta go. The phones are ringing off the hook.