“Your patience is greatly appreciated…” I’m sitting here with the phone taped to my head, waiting for the claims assistant with the Colorado Division of Unemployment. It’s electrical tape, not duct tape, so I think it will come off fairly easily.

I’ve been out of work (“Your patience is greatly appreciated…”) for several weeks and decided that my applications to City Market, as well as other businesses, will never result in a job. For some reason, the family isn’t interested in staying home and eating thistles for the next 4 months, so the unemployment gig is the only way to avoid mutiny for now.

By the way, that City Market (“Your patience is greatly appreciated…”) application had a 100 question psychological profile on it. It’s degrading to have them ask the same question two different ways at seemingly unrelated places in the questionnaire. Do they really think that you won’t notice it? Question number 29, “Do you hate cats?”, and question number 62, “How likely are you to buy a birthday card for a cat?”, have nothing to do with overripe bananas, in my opinion. (“Your patience is greatly appreciated…”)

I like the Egyptian Jazz, and the Pink Panther-esque song makes me feel like they are hot on my trail, looking up facts, making phone calls, and super sleuthing their way through my case, even though I’m still on hold.

I’ve been on the (“Your patience is greatly appreciated…”) phone and computer off and on since Sunday evening, trying to report my job search history, and apply for unemployment benefits (read, “money”). This being Wednesday, I kicked my efforts into overdrive. I made my first call at 7:30 a.m.

It’s now 9:42 a.m. I’m still on hold, hence the tape. At 8:30 a.m., I started getting hypothermia from sitting still in a cold room. We are high in the Colorado Rockies, you know.

Did you know that the Egyptian Jazz repeats every 90 minutes?

I got cut off after being on hold for (“Your patience is greatly appreciated….”) 1 hour and 10 minutes, so this is my second session. In between the two sessions, I ran for a quick sip of water, like a marathon runner at an “aid station”. As I walked by my wife, I smiled weakly, and told her, “I’ve got the pioneer spirit, so I’ll get back on the phone and wait on hold.” I call, get a busy signal, hang up, and then lift the phone and hit “redial” about 150 times just so I can MAKE it to hold.

I can just imagine settlers with their wagons circled, and Pawnees shooting (“Your patience is greatly appreciated…) flaming arrows at them, hearing the Wagon Master yelling, “The Cavalry will be here in 120 minutes! Your patience is greatly appreciated!”

My forehead is starting to hurt from the tape, and my left ear feels like a manhole cover is laying on it. I need to tape the phone to my other ear. The Egyptian Jazz is starting to repeat every 5 minutes now.

The best advice I can give anyone who is about to become unemployed is to buy a speaker phone.

If National Health Care becomes a reality, then about 320 million Americans, plus illegals, will be on the phone trying to set up appointments, buy prescription drugs, resolve conflicts, and sign up for the system. I think in the future, we ALL are going to be hearing a lot of Egyptian Jazz.