Tag Archives: Obama

The Tweety Bird Effect

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“We’re lookin’ for a home life, and clean smellin’ sheets,

and all the soft places to fall.”

Willie and Waylon

(Poncho and Lefty album, circa 1985)

Flint and I used to sing that song at the top of our lungs while driving his little Toyota pickup truck through Utah. We were going to go teach rock climbing. How appropriate.

I also sang that song with the other Wilderness Rangers in Wyoming a year earlier. We rode horses into the Absorka Wilderness, and dodged grizzlies, moose, lightning, hypothermia, broken legs, drownings, bad cooking, and poachers.

Now here I am in Marble, Colorado, building my own house with the help of my wife and kids. As I cut the 2×12 lumber for roof blocking, it drops onto the floor. Some of the pieces crack, and some of them actually break into two pieces. So looking around for a solution (“Dad, they’re hitting the ground too hard”), I set out the Tweety Bird chair.

The Tweety Bird chair was bought by a friend in San Antonio and given to one of my children a few years ago. It’s a nylon fold up chair with a Tweety Bird sporting a 12 inch head and 3 inch body. I put the chair under the overhanging wood, and when I cut the board off with the saw, the wood would fall and be caught by the Tweety Bird. Every time the board landed without breaking, I would yell, “Tweety Bird!”. That kept the nailers warned that product was on their way in good condition.

Enter: “The Tweety Bird Effect”. The Tweety Bird Effect is when you try to keep things from breaking by giving them a soft landing when they fall.

Barack Obama must think that he’s the big Tweety Bird in Washington. He’s trying to catch the falling auto industry. He’s trying to catch the falling bank industry. He’s trying to catch the falling healthcare industry, falling education system, falling military, falling bike path industry, and falling travel trailer industry. And don’t forget the falling environment of the entire world.

As the big Tweety Bird in Washington, our President will pretty much keep you safe in EVERYTHING. The only thing you have to do is give him your money, time, and life. It’s that easy to be kept safe.

 

The only thing is, what if Barack Obamais a bad cook, or an unconstitutional poacher?

Barack Obama Wants You to Buy Toenail Clippers

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Anyone who has been on the Internet lately (I assume you’re not reading this on a bulletin board at work) has noticed the “stimulus” ads. I’m talking about the ones using Barack Obama’s name.

“Barack Obama wants you to lose weight!”

“Barack Obama wants you to buy a new car!”

“Barack Obama wants you to buy organic toenail clippers!”

Who are these people, and why don’t they fire their ad agencies? Do they really think that Americans want the President telling them what to do on EVERYTHING?

“Barack Obama wants you to invest in yo-yos!”

“Barack Obama wants you to sell your children to slave traders and go back to school!”

“Earn your B.A. (Barack of America) degree while sitting at home collecting unemployment!”

To have so many ads on the Internet using Barack Obama’s stimulus plan as the impetus, shows what a nation of charlatans and con men we’ve become. Either that, or we are all now taking marching orders from our new Commander in Chief. Or maybe we all are greedy and just want “the other guy” to pay for our life’s choices.

“Barack Obama wants you to plant wildflowers!”

“Barack Obama wants you to give blood to the needy government!”

“Barack Obama wants you to lick his boots! Only $29.95. Don’t delay!”

The chickens will come home to roost when Americans start calling the White House switchboard and begin asking questions like, “Mr. President, where should I send my kid to college?… Or camp?”

“Mr. Obama, which peanut butter should I buy?”

“Mr. President of the Century, where did I put my car keys?”

“Hey Barry, can I borrow the car tonight?

“What’s up with last week’s NASCAR satellite feed?

“Why are there so many questions about cars on Jerry Begly’s blog site?”

I don’t know. Maybe it’s OK for Barack Obama to be invoked about everything. After all, he asked for it.

“Hello Whitehouse? My organic toenail clippers broke. Where do I send them for repair?"

Bugs Bunny and the Mexicans

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The illegal immigration problem (Oh, so you don’t think it’s a problem, but you think global warming is?) is an easy fix.  I have two ways to do it. One is funny, the other is serious. You pick the best way… 

The serious way:  Completely close off the southern border. Then stop chasing down illegals. That will save us lots of money.  When an illegal IS arrested, first, make them work on the fence for 6 months before deporting them. That will also save us lots of money.  Minutemen could guard the illegal fence builders. This would dovetail nicely with Obama’s service to the nation that he’s proposing. Rednecks would love to be issued M-16s and watch over people who stole jobs from their cousin Roy in the "jobs Americans don’t want to do" catagory.

Along with the deportee, Uncle Sam would send a bill for all of the healthcare, and other bennies that were used by the illegal. Mexico could pass the bill on to the family. Since that would be a burden on the family, sending dad, cousin, grandpa, mom, or any other person up here would become something to really ponder.

With the border closed, and after one generation dies off, viola! No more illegals! I call this method the "Winning Through Attrition" immigration reform. It’s hard to argue with time.

The funny way to solve the immigration problem:  Make everyone who doesn’t look like they were born in the United States (they may drive cars with big Mexican flag decals on them) speak English with a strong Bronx accent.  You don’t have to even close down the border. Although you will still have illegal aliens everywhere, at least they will all speak English.  This would really help with the work, and social situations in the U.S. For example, I could go into a gas station in Denver, and buy fuel while actually conversing with the attendant.

In order to learn Bronx English, Mexicans could watch Bugs Bunny cartoons prior to coming to the United States. This would definately help the cartooning industry, except for the bootlegging industry. Hopefully, Bugs Bunny cartoons wouldn’t be bootlegged in China and we’d hear Bugs say "Mayvee, I shood have taking a weft at Ahvaquerque" instead of "Ehhh! Maybe I shoulda takin’ a left at Owbaqoikee!" In any event, having Mexicans speaking in a Bronx accent would not only be helpful, we’d really enjoy our conversations with our guest workers.

Pick whichever tactic you prefer.  I’ll support you in either one. This reminds me of a recent incident: I picked up a Hispanic hitchhiker headed toward Denver the other day. I asked him where he was going.  He said he was headed up toward Fresno to meet up with his brother.  I told him that we were headed toward Denver, and that Fresno was about another thousand miles in the other direction.  He look thoughtful for a moment, then replied, "Ya know, maybe I shoulda taken a left turn at Owbaqoikee!"

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